From my previous post:
I did so many things and made so many choices in my young adult life, basically saying to God: "Look, it's OK if you want to give me up too, I'm giving you lots of reasons to leave me, and no reason to stay."
So I've spent my lunch hour today catching up on the blogs I've been following, and finding a couple new ones. But my mind keeps going back to a blogger that mentioned her thought's on her WOUNDS and quoted "Captivating" -- she's been reading too. I think she's even doing a group Bible study on it.
So I went back and re-read what I wrote the other morning (was it just yesterday??) to maybe write some more of my thoughts down -- to actually figure out some of my thoughts as I write... some of my thoughts are more feelings than cohesive thoughts to put into words. Not sure if anything new or enlightening will come of this short post...
I copied the one final thought I'd had from my last post -- because I wanted to take that thought and compare it to other, earlier memories in my life. Were there things I did, or behaviors I adopted as 'normal' or part of 'who I am', that said the same thing to everyone in my life? Particularly after the summer I turned 7? I just don't know right now -- but my mind is being taken back to times when my Stepdad inflicted his share of wounds. Not intentionally -- he is a good man, and was {still is} a good Stepdad.
One year, on a trip to visit my Stepdad's family in Massachusetts, his sister had just recently got her hair cut very short & cute. She had naturally curly hair when it was cut that short, and it was the cutest sophisticated hair cut on a young lady I'd seen in a long time. And I wanted my hair just like it. Everyone tried to talk me out of it, but I was adamant about wanting the same hair cut. So my Aunt Sara and my mom took me to Sara's stylist that week, and she cut my hair the same way... except my hair has to have some length for it's nature curl [wave] to be realized. Suffice it to say, it was not the same style on me and it was not as flattering. And I was disappointed, but tried to have a 'oh well, it will grow out' attitude.
I think my Stepdad laughed... I don't remember the exact sounds or words that were spoken when I walked back into my grandmother's house... but I remember the look. It was a "what happened to you?" and "I told you it wouldn't look good" look. It was a "you aren't lovely" look.
I took that as truth, and apparently kept it as truth much of my childhood and into my adulthood. In fact, I can admit now that I still carry it with me today. But I've put on a mask of "I don't care what others think of me -- I am who I am, take it or don't."
I know I have suffered other wounds throughout my [almost] 35 years... wounds that answered my heart's questions: "Am I lovely? am I captivating?" in ways contrary to what God's answer is, and what my heart should know is true. But if you hear something enough, it becomes truth. And it doesn't have to be words -- it can be actions taken against you, or reactions to you.
So the book guides women through several steps in prayer -- steps to turn from the messages we've received with our wounds, to release ourselves of their power, and to fully open up to God healing our hearts and living in His truth of the beauty He made us to be, to have... that we DO have. I read the prayers, but I have lots of acknowledging/turning/cleansing/forgiving/opening yet to do. I would like to have been reading this book with a small group woman's bible study. I feel like I don't surround myself with enough women friends, and I'm terribly about reaching out and staying connected to my sisters and mother.
I've got to end here... work beckons, and since I only have a couple more hours before a long 5 day "weekend", I better answer the call. Maybe I'll have some time to think through some of this over the weekend... although J & the boys will probably keep me busy (happily) the entire trip.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thoughts on "Captivating" by John & Staci Eldredge
Briefly for now -- but I want to come back to this when I have [make] the time.
My earliest wound, that I can remember? Probably my Daddy telling me that "he had to let us girls go with Alan" - my soon to be stepdad. I was 7 that summer, and had always been Daddy's Little Girl. I knew I was loved and cherished by my Daddy (and my Mom, too), and everything was right in my world. Never even had a thought that there were issues between by parents, even -- at least they did that part right, huh? But my 7 yr old memory always has my Daddy telling me he was "letting me go" or in my mind "giving me away."
My message from that wound? "You aren't worth keeping"? Maybe. "You are easy to leave/give away"? Maybe that too. I'm sure I've shared with my Dad how my memory of that day (and the several days before we left) stayed with me -- and he has told me that was not how he remembered telling me what happened. But to be Daddy's Little Girl for 7 years, and then be told your Daddy was letting you go without a fight... it has given me insight into myself for some time now, but I had never thought about the "message" part I took with me -- that I still take with me in my life now.
My 'claiming' & 'reacting' to that message? I can think of several things. I found my one area I was gifted in -- academic -- became my "only" way to make others proud & happy with me. I was otherwise nothing special, or so I thought. I wasn't "pretty" or "thin" or part of the "in crowd" -- ever. But why? was it self-proclaimed because that is how I defined not worthy of being Daddy's Little Girl anymore?
Funny thing is, I've always thought that I didn't care how I looked, or more importantly what OTHERS thought of how I looked. It has actually been a point of pride for me -- I'm not as vain and materialistic as I could be -- I am who I am, and people take me as I am, or they can just not take me at all. And for the most part, people take me as I am. I don't wear the latest fashions or any makeup; I wear whatever style & color of shoes I happen to like, no matter the season, or how worn out they may be. But was all this one of my claiming & reacting to my early wound/message?
Here's my initial thoughts:
1) There's no point in trying to be 'pretty' or 'thin' or 'IN' -- I'm not... my Daddy basically told me so. Why bother trying to be something I'm not; something being "lovely" or "worthy of love."
2) Maybe my outward message to the world is: "It's OK if you don't love me, want me, desire me -- I'm not giving you any reasons to, anyway -- because there are none."
wow. Those are some thoughts I will need to chew on for a while, and then figure out what they really mean for me now -- where to I go from here?
One last thought: as I was reading the book and thinking about being "Daddy's Little Girl" that lost Daddy's love.... I've always been God's Little Girl -- and He has rescued me and fought for me so many times in my life (which I can look back & see, but didn't see at the time). Yet I did the same thing to Him -- I did so many things and made so many choices in my young adult life, basically saying to God: :"Look, it's OK if you want to give me up too, I'm giving you lots of reasons to leave me, and no reason to stay."
wow.
My earliest wound, that I can remember? Probably my Daddy telling me that "he had to let us girls go with Alan" - my soon to be stepdad. I was 7 that summer, and had always been Daddy's Little Girl. I knew I was loved and cherished by my Daddy (and my Mom, too), and everything was right in my world. Never even had a thought that there were issues between by parents, even -- at least they did that part right, huh? But my 7 yr old memory always has my Daddy telling me he was "letting me go" or in my mind "giving me away."
My message from that wound? "You aren't worth keeping"? Maybe. "You are easy to leave/give away"? Maybe that too. I'm sure I've shared with my Dad how my memory of that day (and the several days before we left) stayed with me -- and he has told me that was not how he remembered telling me what happened. But to be Daddy's Little Girl for 7 years, and then be told your Daddy was letting you go without a fight... it has given me insight into myself for some time now, but I had never thought about the "message" part I took with me -- that I still take with me in my life now.
My 'claiming' & 'reacting' to that message? I can think of several things. I found my one area I was gifted in -- academic -- became my "only" way to make others proud & happy with me. I was otherwise nothing special, or so I thought. I wasn't "pretty" or "thin" or part of the "in crowd" -- ever. But why? was it self-proclaimed because that is how I defined not worthy of being Daddy's Little Girl anymore?
Funny thing is, I've always thought that I didn't care how I looked, or more importantly what OTHERS thought of how I looked. It has actually been a point of pride for me -- I'm not as vain and materialistic as I could be -- I am who I am, and people take me as I am, or they can just not take me at all. And for the most part, people take me as I am. I don't wear the latest fashions or any makeup; I wear whatever style & color of shoes I happen to like, no matter the season, or how worn out they may be. But was all this one of my claiming & reacting to my early wound/message?
Here's my initial thoughts:
1) There's no point in trying to be 'pretty' or 'thin' or 'IN' -- I'm not... my Daddy basically told me so. Why bother trying to be something I'm not; something being "lovely" or "worthy of love."
2) Maybe my outward message to the world is: "It's OK if you don't love me, want me, desire me -- I'm not giving you any reasons to, anyway -- because there are none."
wow. Those are some thoughts I will need to chew on for a while, and then figure out what they really mean for me now -- where to I go from here?
One last thought: as I was reading the book and thinking about being "Daddy's Little Girl" that lost Daddy's love.... I've always been God's Little Girl -- and He has rescued me and fought for me so many times in my life (which I can look back & see, but didn't see at the time). Yet I did the same thing to Him -- I did so many things and made so many choices in my young adult life, basically saying to God: :"Look, it's OK if you want to give me up too, I'm giving you lots of reasons to leave me, and no reason to stay."
wow.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Feeling failure, trying to lay it at the cross
So I have needed a good cry since yesterday afternoon. As far as I can tell by looking at his grades on Zangle, he's failing 5th grade. And no one told us this was happening. His Math grade is a C -- the only one amidst all his academic grades (Health doesn't count, imo). I've cried some... but still feel like I have more crying to do.
I've failed my son. For 3 years, at least... but maybe longer. I've not been the advocate he needed. I haven't harassed his teachers or the principal enough to even KNOW that his grades were this bad. 2nd Qtr grades were bad -- he spent 6+ weeks of no privileges and all of his time at home was in his room working on homework or reading. Grades (& turning in of homework) improved as far as we were told by progress reports (at least on the Eng side of his subjects). 3rd Qtr comes around -- overall improvement, but not up to where he has been in the past. And now, 1 day away from the last day of school, and I find out he has mostly D's & F's on his final report card.
His teachers have failed him. and failed me. and let me fail him. I've emailed the teachers and principal. I've even emailed our Academic Policy Committee officers, because I don't want this to happen to someone else's child. And I don't know what to do now. I'm thinking Dylan's issues are more than just irresponsibility and laziness. What if he has REAL learning issues - - I think we need to get him tested, but I don't know where to start. Slingerland testing is done by Gateway, which is currently located where Rilke is moving. ASD should have methods and resources, but I don't want anyone to jump to labeling him something worse than he actually is.... does that make sense? ADD & ADHD is thrown around too much, in my opinion. I totally agree that it exists... but I think it's used to label too many kids who aren't really.
So, I still feel like crying. And I need to lay this all at my Lord's feet and rest in Him. but that is so hard. See, it's not just failing my son. I'm failing my husband too. I always have. I'm not a good housewife (actually, I suck!), I've got this stupid woman problem that the attempted 'fix' is making a new symptom that just sucks, and for the most part, I just feel like pulling away. I don't know why, but I want to withdraw from his need to be close.
And I'm feeling a failure at work. I have so much work -- everyone does at my office. but I'm not actually getting anything to "completeness" in my part-time hours. And now I feel like I need to have more time & energy for my boys and J, but work drains me - the fact I feel so un-accomplished drains me. I don't even like what I'm doing anymore. I don't take any joy or satisfaction from it.
So, I did open the Bible before spilling all this onto the screen. First, I prayed -- prayed for God's Word to show me what I needed to hear, for the Holy Spirit to help me understand and REALLY see what it was saying to me, and for Jesus to just hold me and carry me through all this.
My first random opening: Psalm 134
1 Praise the LORD, all you servants of the LORD
who minister by night in the house of the LORD.
My second random opening was not so random, since I had a bible study/devotion still stuck in my Bible: Joel 2:12-13
12 "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
And my last random opening: Mark 8:1-21
(Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand)
1During those days another large crowd gathered. Since they had nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples to him and said, 2"I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. 3If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance."
I'm suppose to rend (or rip) my heart to the Lord, giving Him my brokenness and failures. And then I am to trust Him to provide. Not just provide, but provide in abundance.
That's what I take with me today. But if I can't control my crying, I may not even go to work.
I've failed my son. For 3 years, at least... but maybe longer. I've not been the advocate he needed. I haven't harassed his teachers or the principal enough to even KNOW that his grades were this bad. 2nd Qtr grades were bad -- he spent 6+ weeks of no privileges and all of his time at home was in his room working on homework or reading. Grades (& turning in of homework) improved as far as we were told by progress reports (at least on the Eng side of his subjects). 3rd Qtr comes around -- overall improvement, but not up to where he has been in the past. And now, 1 day away from the last day of school, and I find out he has mostly D's & F's on his final report card.
His teachers have failed him. and failed me. and let me fail him. I've emailed the teachers and principal. I've even emailed our Academic Policy Committee officers, because I don't want this to happen to someone else's child. And I don't know what to do now. I'm thinking Dylan's issues are more than just irresponsibility and laziness. What if he has REAL learning issues - - I think we need to get him tested, but I don't know where to start. Slingerland testing is done by Gateway, which is currently located where Rilke is moving. ASD should have methods and resources, but I don't want anyone to jump to labeling him something worse than he actually is.... does that make sense? ADD & ADHD is thrown around too much, in my opinion. I totally agree that it exists... but I think it's used to label too many kids who aren't really.
So, I still feel like crying. And I need to lay this all at my Lord's feet and rest in Him. but that is so hard. See, it's not just failing my son. I'm failing my husband too. I always have. I'm not a good housewife (actually, I suck!), I've got this stupid woman problem that the attempted 'fix' is making a new symptom that just sucks, and for the most part, I just feel like pulling away. I don't know why, but I want to withdraw from his need to be close.
And I'm feeling a failure at work. I have so much work -- everyone does at my office. but I'm not actually getting anything to "completeness" in my part-time hours. And now I feel like I need to have more time & energy for my boys and J, but work drains me - the fact I feel so un-accomplished drains me. I don't even like what I'm doing anymore. I don't take any joy or satisfaction from it.
So, I did open the Bible before spilling all this onto the screen. First, I prayed -- prayed for God's Word to show me what I needed to hear, for the Holy Spirit to help me understand and REALLY see what it was saying to me, and for Jesus to just hold me and carry me through all this.
My first random opening: Psalm 134
1 Praise the LORD, all you servants of the LORD
who minister by night in the house of the LORD.
2 Lift up your hands in the sanctuary
and praise the LORD.
3 May the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth,
bless you from Zion.
My second random opening was not so random, since I had a bible study/devotion still stuck in my Bible: Joel 2:12-13
12 "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
And my last random opening: Mark 8:1-21
(Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand)
1During those days another large crowd gathered. Since they had nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples to him and said, 2"I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. 3If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance."
4His disciples answered, "But where in this remote place can anyone get enough bread to feed them?"
5"How many loaves do you have?" Jesus asked.
"Seven," they replied.
6He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. When he had taken the seven loaves and given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples to set before the people, and they did so. 7They had a few small fish as well; he gave thanks for them also and told the disciples to distribute them. 8The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. 9About four thousand men were present. And having sent them away, 10he got into the boat with his disciples and went to the region of Dalmanutha.
11The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. 12He sighed deeply and said, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it." 13Then he left them, got back into the boat and crossed to the other side.
The Yeast of the Pharisees and Herod
14The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for one loaf they had with them in the boat. 15"Be careful," Jesus warned them. "Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod."16They discussed this with one another and said, "It is because we have no bread."
17Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? 18Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don't you remember? 19When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?"
"Twelve," they replied.
20"And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?"
They answered, "Seven."
21He said to them, "Do you still not understand?"
I'm suppose to rend (or rip) my heart to the Lord, giving Him my brokenness and failures. And then I am to trust Him to provide. Not just provide, but provide in abundance.
That's what I take with me today. But if I can't control my crying, I may not even go to work.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Inadequate
Inadequate. That is the word of the day. I am feeling it, claiming it, and unfortunately Satan is having a field day. So I am turning my back on him and acknowledging my inadequacies to my Lord, who knows my weaknesses and loved me enough to conquer death for me.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26 (NIV)
So I look up from my weakened state -- and depend on the Spirit to ask for that which I don't even know how to ask for.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26 (NIV)
So I look up from my weakened state -- and depend on the Spirit to ask for that which I don't even know how to ask for.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Turn, Turn, Turn
Fellowship with the Ladies of Beautiful Savior – Turn!
[singing]
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
here is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
[/singing]
Ecclesiastes 3 as written to music by Pete Seeger
Since coming back to BSLC, I have attended several of the monthly LWML fellowship meetings. I vaguely remember joining them once or twice before in my 'former life' at BSLC, but it really felt I didn't fit in because most of them are older, even older than my parents. In that 'past life' I usually only went if it was at my friend Lori's house – she's more my age, with school kids that match my kids in age/grade.
But now that I'm back, and started out by re-joining them at a holiday brunch meeting/fellowship time, I realize that I get so much out of being in a room with other women of faith, of all ages & backgrounds, sharing God's Word and our life experiences. These women have raised kids, some stayed married for many many years, some have suffered through divorce, some with family here in AK that brings drama & stresses, some with no AK family so the church & friends are their local family. But we all feel free to share our thoughts when we dive into the word together, and we learn from each other, strengthen each other, lift each other up. God did not intend for us to be isolated from others – even a married couple needs more than each other for true growth in faith & life.
Last night's devotional time was about “turning” – we read several Bible passages that had us reflecting on what we turn to, what we [should] turn away from, where we turn in times of pain [or joy]. How God has “turned” our life around, sometimes in complete circles. I shared a very brief history of the “turns” that God has taken me on. I feel like writing out a slightly longer version:
Just before the summer of 1994, I had arranged for a one-way ticket out of Alaska by the end of that summer – I was done with the Last Frontier; I wanted to be somewhere warm, and surrounded by family, so I was headed for Arizona. Then I met Jason.... and worked all summer to save up for a ticket to get back to AK. [turn #1] We lived together 4 years, unmarried and very much absorbed in the world's idea of what was good & OK for our lives... and then one day a bowling friend of Jason's tells him about this church & pastor that is not like any typical church. It's that invitation from Joel to a “seeker's service” at Beautiful Savior that turned us both back to God's grace. [turn #2] That was the fall of 1998; Jason had just bought a house, and our roommate had moved out. In November, we were pregnant. In December, we were married – and because Pastor Reinke was not available to marry us, but we really wanted to be married in a church, a Lutheran church if possible, we were married at Gloria Dei Lutheran Church on December 26, 1998. [turn #3] We became confirmed members of BSLC the summer of 2002, the same summer we had both our boys (Dylan having just turned 3, and Noah not yet 6 months old) baptized by Pastor Morner. By the fall of 2005, however, Jason began looking for a different church – he was feeling his faith growth stagnate, and I had to struggle with my commitment to BSLC and my commitment to my family. In the end, Jason found a “non-denominational” church that seemed to have what he was searching for, and I ended my teaching at BSLC in February 2006 to join my family at Crosspoint Community Church. [turn #4] I immediately jumped into the planning of the crafts for their summer KidsCamp (known as VBS on steroids). And we spent the next 3 years (4 summers total) making lots of friends and me being involved in their Sunday School program & summer KidsCamps. But while I was being “trained up” in VBS – Jason was diving into the Word and history of the Reformation churches. And came to the realization that he really was a Lutheran, and needed to get back to the Lutheran church. And this time, as much as I had connected to all the people we met at Crosspoint, it wasn't as much of a struggle – or at least it didn't seem to cause me the same stress as leaving Beautiful Savior had. [turn #5?] But, for various reasons, Jason wasn't ready to just go back to BSLC – so we began attending Hope Lutheran, just up the road from us. We weren't “regular” attendees, as it WAS summer... but they'd made us name tags :) And then.... ELCA's national convention came out with the statement/position that supports their churches to call/appoint homosexual pastors that are in a committed homosexual relationship. This sent Jason into another search of the Word and his own heart, and ultimately we decided we could not keep attending an ELCA church. And we went back to Beautiful Savior – we came back “home” in a sense. [turn #6]
And before I go any further, I'd like to point out that my counting of the turns is not exactly how I “counted” my short version to the ladies. But with what I typed above... if you visualize me starting with a “southern & God-less” facing direction (I was going to AZ in the beginning, remember? And I had turned my back on the faith of my youth)... then I turn 90 degrees for each turn I counted above... I would end up having turned completely around one full turn, and ended up facing the opposite from where I started – facing North with a faith much stronger than that of my youth. Now, I'm not saying that turn # 4 turned me away from God again – only that in the end, I was turned totally and completely around, spiritually and worldly, from where I started. And that I look back with 20/20 hindsight and see God's hand in every minute detail, the struggles and joys and pain – all of it.
My mom gave me this bracelet last year – the Seasons of Life bracelet. Guess what's on it?
A charm for “birth”, a charm for “plan”, a charm for “weep”, I charm for “laugh”, a charm for “dance”, a charm for “embrace”, a charm for “love” and a charm for “peace”.
[singing]
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late
[/singing]
[singing]
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
here is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
[/singing]
Ecclesiastes 3 as written to music by Pete Seeger
Since coming back to BSLC, I have attended several of the monthly LWML fellowship meetings. I vaguely remember joining them once or twice before in my 'former life' at BSLC, but it really felt I didn't fit in because most of them are older, even older than my parents. In that 'past life' I usually only went if it was at my friend Lori's house – she's more my age, with school kids that match my kids in age/grade.
But now that I'm back, and started out by re-joining them at a holiday brunch meeting/fellowship time, I realize that I get so much out of being in a room with other women of faith, of all ages & backgrounds, sharing God's Word and our life experiences. These women have raised kids, some stayed married for many many years, some have suffered through divorce, some with family here in AK that brings drama & stresses, some with no AK family so the church & friends are their local family. But we all feel free to share our thoughts when we dive into the word together, and we learn from each other, strengthen each other, lift each other up. God did not intend for us to be isolated from others – even a married couple needs more than each other for true growth in faith & life.
Last night's devotional time was about “turning” – we read several Bible passages that had us reflecting on what we turn to, what we [should] turn away from, where we turn in times of pain [or joy]. How God has “turned” our life around, sometimes in complete circles. I shared a very brief history of the “turns” that God has taken me on. I feel like writing out a slightly longer version:
Just before the summer of 1994, I had arranged for a one-way ticket out of Alaska by the end of that summer – I was done with the Last Frontier; I wanted to be somewhere warm, and surrounded by family, so I was headed for Arizona. Then I met Jason.... and worked all summer to save up for a ticket to get back to AK. [turn #1] We lived together 4 years, unmarried and very much absorbed in the world's idea of what was good & OK for our lives... and then one day a bowling friend of Jason's tells him about this church & pastor that is not like any typical church. It's that invitation from Joel to a “seeker's service” at Beautiful Savior that turned us both back to God's grace. [turn #2] That was the fall of 1998; Jason had just bought a house, and our roommate had moved out. In November, we were pregnant. In December, we were married – and because Pastor Reinke was not available to marry us, but we really wanted to be married in a church, a Lutheran church if possible, we were married at Gloria Dei Lutheran Church on December 26, 1998. [turn #3] We became confirmed members of BSLC the summer of 2002, the same summer we had both our boys (Dylan having just turned 3, and Noah not yet 6 months old) baptized by Pastor Morner. By the fall of 2005, however, Jason began looking for a different church – he was feeling his faith growth stagnate, and I had to struggle with my commitment to BSLC and my commitment to my family. In the end, Jason found a “non-denominational” church that seemed to have what he was searching for, and I ended my teaching at BSLC in February 2006 to join my family at Crosspoint Community Church. [turn #4] I immediately jumped into the planning of the crafts for their summer KidsCamp (known as VBS on steroids). And we spent the next 3 years (4 summers total) making lots of friends and me being involved in their Sunday School program & summer KidsCamps. But while I was being “trained up” in VBS – Jason was diving into the Word and history of the Reformation churches. And came to the realization that he really was a Lutheran, and needed to get back to the Lutheran church. And this time, as much as I had connected to all the people we met at Crosspoint, it wasn't as much of a struggle – or at least it didn't seem to cause me the same stress as leaving Beautiful Savior had. [turn #5?] But, for various reasons, Jason wasn't ready to just go back to BSLC – so we began attending Hope Lutheran, just up the road from us. We weren't “regular” attendees, as it WAS summer... but they'd made us name tags :) And then.... ELCA's national convention came out with the statement/position that supports their churches to call/appoint homosexual pastors that are in a committed homosexual relationship. This sent Jason into another search of the Word and his own heart, and ultimately we decided we could not keep attending an ELCA church. And we went back to Beautiful Savior – we came back “home” in a sense. [turn #6]
And before I go any further, I'd like to point out that my counting of the turns is not exactly how I “counted” my short version to the ladies. But with what I typed above... if you visualize me starting with a “southern & God-less” facing direction (I was going to AZ in the beginning, remember? And I had turned my back on the faith of my youth)... then I turn 90 degrees for each turn I counted above... I would end up having turned completely around one full turn, and ended up facing the opposite from where I started – facing North with a faith much stronger than that of my youth. Now, I'm not saying that turn # 4 turned me away from God again – only that in the end, I was turned totally and completely around, spiritually and worldly, from where I started. And that I look back with 20/20 hindsight and see God's hand in every minute detail, the struggles and joys and pain – all of it.
My mom gave me this bracelet last year – the Seasons of Life bracelet. Guess what's on it?
A charm for “birth”, a charm for “plan”, a charm for “weep”, I charm for “laugh”, a charm for “dance”, a charm for “embrace”, a charm for “love” and a charm for “peace”.
[singing]
To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late
[/singing]
Monday, April 12, 2010
What are we really supposed to do??
"Jesus said, "My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place."" John 18:36 (NIV)
"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves." Romans 13:1-2 (NIV)
"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men." Titus 3:1-2
"But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. 10Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him." Titus 3:9-10 (NIV)
"Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men." 1 Peter 2:13-15 (NIV)
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 (NIV)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mind wanders back to our Palm Sunday 'home church' service. In Talkeetna, sharing a wonderful weekend of fellowship with the Schommers & Baxters; Ty & Jason plan ahead to be able to have Palm Sunday Service right there at the cabin. Ty leads us in the liturgy, and Jason takes the task of sharing the message, the sermon.
Palm Sunday -- our Lord's triumphant entrance into Jerusalem, the first day of Holy Week. We start looking forward with expectation to the day we celebrate his Resurrection. But before that we know we'll celebrate & remember Jesus' transforming the Passover meal into the Lord's Supper, and then the darkness of his betrayal, his suffering and his death on a cross. All this to get us to the Joy of His Resurrection, defeating of death and sin forever.
But getting back to Palm Sunday, and Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem. The people are lining the sides of the road, with palm branches. They are crying out in joy and expectation of their Savior come to rescue them from their oppressors, the Romans. Excitement to finally see the power He has so far used for healing and bringing back life, to see the Power of God used to conquer the Romans and free Jerusalem and the Jews forever.
But, as Jason pointed out in his message for us that Sunday, Jesus did not come to destroy, defeat, or conquer the Romans. He did not come as a political savior to overturn the government of the day. He came for you. Just you. and me. Each of us, individually, as a single person needing the grace & forgiveness of our sinful state as humans. And overturning or conquering the Romans was not going to do that for you, or me, or anyone. Jesus is Lord & King -- but he was not concerned with ruling worldly things. He came to be Lord, King & Savior of our eternal souls. To rule our hearts. To show us true Love (1 Cor 13) so we may know God's love for us, and how to love others. To show His love for you.
So I have a bunch of Bible passages that I found while thinking on this. Would Jesus, if He were here on Earth as one of us today, would He join a Political Action Group/Committee? Would He be trying to change our government to conform to what He knows is right & good? Or would He be active in His own local community and group of friends (& strangers), sharing with them what He knew to be right & good according to God?
Would He protest a health care bill that allows for the governments taxes to pay for the taking of an unborn life? Or would he be hanging out at Planned Parenthood clinics and other 'crisis pregnancy' centers, talking with the young girls and women who are looking for answers in a scary time of their lives?
I totally didn't want this to be a WWJD post! but I can't help but go there. I see Jesus' hands & feet & mouth & heart in so many people all around. And it's not the ones trying to change things from the top down. It's in the volunteers and staff of Parachutes Teen Resource Center in the Dimond mall -- just being there for at-risk teens, providing them a place to be instead of getting into trouble, showing them love and compassion when most people make sure they have their purse or wallet secure when passing by them. And it's in the parents & staff of a school that pitch in to feed kids and families in that same school, when layoffs and tough economic times make it hard for those families to feed & clothe themselves. It's in the people who roll up their sleeves and start working to help their neighbors, rather than those who scream at the government to fix it or change it or make it better.
I don't do enough to be that. To be the hands & feet & mouth & heart of Jesus in today's world. I have good excuses -- don't we all? I have to work, and extra hours now, so I really don't have the time. And I'm uncomfortable around teenagers -- I'm afraid of the day I'll be dealing with my own, how can I expect to deal with teens that have real issues? I can't invite strangers over for dinner -- I have my kids' & family's safety to worry about. And besides, I don't have time to keep my house clean enough to invite anyone over, except family or friends-like-family that don't care what my house looks like. I don't have time to share my faith with unbelieving co-workers or parents at school, and what would they think of me if I did?
Good excuses, huh?
And so why do I seem to have time to read about and argue in favor of those political action groups that are trying to make abortion illegal? or defend the definition of marriage, and all the GOVERNMENT benefits that come with it? Why is it so easy to think that speaking up against the government's policies is worth my time, but people in my own neighborhood or church are still strangers to me?
That's what I have rambling around in my head today. Amid the work projects I need to get done and the after-school schedules I have to keep straight. And the on-going drama of life on this earth.
I pray I keep my eyes, ears and heart open to all God has put in front of me to do - and recognize and take time for all those who are in need of His love and mercy.
"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves." Romans 13:1-2 (NIV)
"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men." Titus 3:1-2
"But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. 10Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him." Titus 3:9-10 (NIV)
"Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men." 1 Peter 2:13-15 (NIV)
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 (NIV)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mind wanders back to our Palm Sunday 'home church' service. In Talkeetna, sharing a wonderful weekend of fellowship with the Schommers & Baxters; Ty & Jason plan ahead to be able to have Palm Sunday Service right there at the cabin. Ty leads us in the liturgy, and Jason takes the task of sharing the message, the sermon.
Palm Sunday -- our Lord's triumphant entrance into Jerusalem, the first day of Holy Week. We start looking forward with expectation to the day we celebrate his Resurrection. But before that we know we'll celebrate & remember Jesus' transforming the Passover meal into the Lord's Supper, and then the darkness of his betrayal, his suffering and his death on a cross. All this to get us to the Joy of His Resurrection, defeating of death and sin forever.
But getting back to Palm Sunday, and Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem. The people are lining the sides of the road, with palm branches. They are crying out in joy and expectation of their Savior come to rescue them from their oppressors, the Romans. Excitement to finally see the power He has so far used for healing and bringing back life, to see the Power of God used to conquer the Romans and free Jerusalem and the Jews forever.
But, as Jason pointed out in his message for us that Sunday, Jesus did not come to destroy, defeat, or conquer the Romans. He did not come as a political savior to overturn the government of the day. He came for you. Just you. and me. Each of us, individually, as a single person needing the grace & forgiveness of our sinful state as humans. And overturning or conquering the Romans was not going to do that for you, or me, or anyone. Jesus is Lord & King -- but he was not concerned with ruling worldly things. He came to be Lord, King & Savior of our eternal souls. To rule our hearts. To show us true Love (1 Cor 13) so we may know God's love for us, and how to love others. To show His love for you.
So I have a bunch of Bible passages that I found while thinking on this. Would Jesus, if He were here on Earth as one of us today, would He join a Political Action Group/Committee? Would He be trying to change our government to conform to what He knows is right & good? Or would He be active in His own local community and group of friends (& strangers), sharing with them what He knew to be right & good according to God?
Would He protest a health care bill that allows for the governments taxes to pay for the taking of an unborn life? Or would he be hanging out at Planned Parenthood clinics and other 'crisis pregnancy' centers, talking with the young girls and women who are looking for answers in a scary time of their lives?
I totally didn't want this to be a WWJD post! but I can't help but go there. I see Jesus' hands & feet & mouth & heart in so many people all around. And it's not the ones trying to change things from the top down. It's in the volunteers and staff of Parachutes Teen Resource Center in the Dimond mall -- just being there for at-risk teens, providing them a place to be instead of getting into trouble, showing them love and compassion when most people make sure they have their purse or wallet secure when passing by them. And it's in the parents & staff of a school that pitch in to feed kids and families in that same school, when layoffs and tough economic times make it hard for those families to feed & clothe themselves. It's in the people who roll up their sleeves and start working to help their neighbors, rather than those who scream at the government to fix it or change it or make it better.
I don't do enough to be that. To be the hands & feet & mouth & heart of Jesus in today's world. I have good excuses -- don't we all? I have to work, and extra hours now, so I really don't have the time. And I'm uncomfortable around teenagers -- I'm afraid of the day I'll be dealing with my own, how can I expect to deal with teens that have real issues? I can't invite strangers over for dinner -- I have my kids' & family's safety to worry about. And besides, I don't have time to keep my house clean enough to invite anyone over, except family or friends-like-family that don't care what my house looks like. I don't have time to share my faith with unbelieving co-workers or parents at school, and what would they think of me if I did?
Good excuses, huh?
And so why do I seem to have time to read about and argue in favor of those political action groups that are trying to make abortion illegal? or defend the definition of marriage, and all the GOVERNMENT benefits that come with it? Why is it so easy to think that speaking up against the government's policies is worth my time, but people in my own neighborhood or church are still strangers to me?
That's what I have rambling around in my head today. Amid the work projects I need to get done and the after-school schedules I have to keep straight. And the on-going drama of life on this earth.
I pray I keep my eyes, ears and heart open to all God has put in front of me to do - and recognize and take time for all those who are in need of His love and mercy.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The beginning of...
It's Sunday morning about 7am (although I realize it will be somewhat later when I finally post this). I've been awake for the last 1.5 hours. I've been reading blogs that I keep as RSS feeds on my Bookmarks Toolbar. And I have been thinking over things running through my head, some of which are the reason I was up earlier than I would have liked. And my mind kept going back to this thought I had while driving around yesterday:
"You need to write this down -- you'll forget how it goes when you think of it later."
So, while reading blogs, another thought comes to me... a blog could be where I keep the thoughts that I would otherwise forget later. So here I am.
The thought from yesterday, which has not come back to me in the exact same way because I didn't write it down, had to do with my thoughts on the word "trust" and discussions I shared in on Friday evening regarding the same.
First, my TRUST is in my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. All else I hope flows from that -- not perfectly, as I am yet human and tainted by my sin-inclined human-ness (humanity didn't seem quite the right word).
But I have been seen as being "too trusting" and sometimes "gullible" or "naive" -- which, when pointed out to me, makes me feel judged as immature or inferior. And I've started feel that is unfair -- if I am truly perceived as immature or inferior for my trusting nature. I do acknowledge that my perception of what people may truly mean by labeling me this way is not necessarily their perception of what they mean.
But should I be so indignant to be thought of as "more like a child" than others?
"Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:15
"When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."" Mark 10:14-15
"But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."" Luke 18:16-17
Not to use this to say that I am truly "like a little child" so therefore I am using these passages to show I'm actually better than anyone. I do not ever want to hold the Bible over anyone as a way of showing them how much better I am -- because I am NOT. No way, no shape, no how.
But I use these as comfort & consolation to my human pride.
[so I was interrupted in my ramblings, and I'm going to end on a somewhat-completely different note]
Originally I thought my ramblings would take me back to 1 Corinthians 13, the "Love" chapter of the New Testament. This verse was one that I found when trying to explain why my natural instinct, or personality, to be trusting (or actually, to not be distrusting) is a good attribute. In this chapter of the Bible, we are given God's definition for Love -- the love we receive from Him, the love He wants from us, and the love that we are commanded to show others. ("A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34) And in this definition, we find the word "trust":
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:4-8a
That is from the NIV translation, since it is my default on my iPhone Bible, that is what I have been reading. But other translations do not say "always trusts" -- they say "believes all things". This might bring about my own deeper study of this verse, going back to the Greek (?) and conferring with someone knowledgeable in it. But I am OK with being the way I am. After all, in some ways it has been a gift. To approach people with a sense of general trust, rather than distrust with a need for them to prove themselves to me. I'm not saying people who are opposite of me are wrong -- but that I'm OK being the way I am.
And one last thought. Maybe I have a general sense of trust with everyone, because I know that my ultimate trust is in my Lord, and that nothing of this world can separate me from that. So trusting others may just be an extension of my ultimate trust that my life is in good hands, at all times.
God bless everyone who was unfortunate enough to stumble upon my ramblings!
"You need to write this down -- you'll forget how it goes when you think of it later."
So, while reading blogs, another thought comes to me... a blog could be where I keep the thoughts that I would otherwise forget later. So here I am.
The thought from yesterday, which has not come back to me in the exact same way because I didn't write it down, had to do with my thoughts on the word "trust" and discussions I shared in on Friday evening regarding the same.
First, my TRUST is in my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. All else I hope flows from that -- not perfectly, as I am yet human and tainted by my sin-inclined human-ness (humanity didn't seem quite the right word).
But I have been seen as being "too trusting" and sometimes "gullible" or "naive" -- which, when pointed out to me, makes me feel judged as immature or inferior. And I've started feel that is unfair -- if I am truly perceived as immature or inferior for my trusting nature. I do acknowledge that my perception of what people may truly mean by labeling me this way is not necessarily their perception of what they mean.
But should I be so indignant to be thought of as "more like a child" than others?
"Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:15
"When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."" Mark 10:14-15
"But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."" Luke 18:16-17
Not to use this to say that I am truly "like a little child" so therefore I am using these passages to show I'm actually better than anyone. I do not ever want to hold the Bible over anyone as a way of showing them how much better I am -- because I am NOT. No way, no shape, no how.
But I use these as comfort & consolation to my human pride.
[so I was interrupted in my ramblings, and I'm going to end on a somewhat-completely different note]
Originally I thought my ramblings would take me back to 1 Corinthians 13, the "Love" chapter of the New Testament. This verse was one that I found when trying to explain why my natural instinct, or personality, to be trusting (or actually, to not be distrusting) is a good attribute. In this chapter of the Bible, we are given God's definition for Love -- the love we receive from Him, the love He wants from us, and the love that we are commanded to show others. ("A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34) And in this definition, we find the word "trust":
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Cor 13:4-8a
That is from the NIV translation, since it is my default on my iPhone Bible, that is what I have been reading. But other translations do not say "always trusts" -- they say "believes all things". This might bring about my own deeper study of this verse, going back to the Greek (?) and conferring with someone knowledgeable in it. But I am OK with being the way I am. After all, in some ways it has been a gift. To approach people with a sense of general trust, rather than distrust with a need for them to prove themselves to me. I'm not saying people who are opposite of me are wrong -- but that I'm OK being the way I am.
And one last thought. Maybe I have a general sense of trust with everyone, because I know that my ultimate trust is in my Lord, and that nothing of this world can separate me from that. So trusting others may just be an extension of my ultimate trust that my life is in good hands, at all times.
God bless everyone who was unfortunate enough to stumble upon my ramblings!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
