Rambling thoughts from my mind

From my previous post:

I did so many things and made so many choices in my young adult life, basically saying to God: "Look, it's OK if you want to give me up too, I'm giving you lots of reasons to leave me, and no reason to stay."

So I've spent my lunch hour today catching up on the blogs I've been following, and finding a couple new ones. But my mind keeps going back to a blogger that mentioned her thought's on her WOUNDS and quoted "Captivating" -- she's been reading too. I think she's even doing a group Bible study on it.

So I went back and re-read what I wrote the other morning (was it just yesterday??) to maybe write some more of my thoughts down -- to actually figure out some of my thoughts as I write... some of my thoughts are more feelings than cohesive thoughts to put into words. Not sure if anything new or enlightening will come of this short post...

I copied the one final thought I'd had from my last post -- because I wanted to take that thought and compare it to other, earlier memories in my life. Were there things I did, or behaviors I adopted as 'normal' or part of 'who I am', that said the same thing to everyone in my life? Particularly after the summer I turned 7? I just don't know right now -- but my mind is being taken back to times when my Stepdad inflicted his share of wounds. Not intentionally -- he is a good man, and was {still is} a good Stepdad.

One year, on a trip to visit my Stepdad's family in Massachusetts, his sister had just recently got her hair cut very short & cute. She had naturally curly hair when it was cut that short, and it was the cutest sophisticated hair cut on a young lady I'd seen in a long time. And I wanted my hair just like it. Everyone tried to talk me out of it, but I was adamant about wanting the same hair cut. So my Aunt Sara and my mom took me to Sara's stylist that week, and she cut my hair the same way... except my hair has to have some length for it's nature curl [wave] to be realized. Suffice it to say, it was not the same style on me and it was not as flattering. And I was disappointed, but tried to have a 'oh well, it will grow out' attitude.

I think my Stepdad laughed... I don't remember the exact sounds or words that were spoken when I walked back into my grandmother's house... but I remember the look. It was a "what happened to you?" and "I told you it wouldn't look good" look. It was a "you aren't lovely" look.

I took that as truth, and apparently kept it as truth much of my childhood and into my adulthood. In fact, I can admit now that I still carry it with me today. But I've put on a mask of "I don't care what others think of me -- I am who I am, take it or don't."

I know I have suffered other wounds throughout my [almost] 35 years... wounds that answered my heart's questions: "Am I lovely? am I captivating?" in ways contrary to what God's answer is, and what my heart should know is true. But if you hear something enough, it becomes truth. And it doesn't have to be words -- it can be actions taken against you, or reactions to you.

So the book guides women through several steps in prayer -- steps to turn from the messages we've received with our wounds, to release ourselves of their power, and to fully open up to God healing our hearts and living in His truth of the beauty He made us to be, to have... that we DO have. I read the prayers, but I have lots of acknowledging/turning/cleansing/forgiving/opening yet to do. I would like to have been reading this book with a small group woman's bible study. I feel like I don't surround myself with enough women friends, and I'm terribly about reaching out and staying connected to my sisters and mother.

I've got to end here... work beckons, and since I only have a couple more hours before a long 5 day "weekend", I better answer the call. Maybe I'll have some time to think through some of this over the weekend... although J & the boys will probably keep me busy (happily) the entire trip.