Feeling failure, trying to lay it at the cross

So I have needed a good cry since yesterday afternoon. As far as I can tell by looking at his grades on Zangle, he's failing 5th grade. And no one told us this was happening. His Math grade is a C -- the only one amidst all his academic grades (Health doesn't count, imo). I've cried some... but still feel like I have more crying to do.

I've failed my son. For 3 years, at least... but maybe longer. I've not been the advocate he needed. I haven't harassed his teachers or the principal enough to even KNOW that his grades were this bad. 2nd Qtr grades were bad -- he spent 6+ weeks of no privileges and all of his time at home was in his room working on homework or reading. Grades (& turning in of homework) improved as far as we were told by progress reports (at least on the Eng side of his subjects). 3rd Qtr comes around -- overall improvement, but not up to where he has been in the past. And now, 1 day away from the last day of school, and I find out he has mostly D's & F's on his final report card.

His teachers have failed him. and failed me. and let me fail him. I've emailed the teachers and principal. I've even emailed our Academic Policy Committee officers, because I don't want this to happen to someone else's child. And I don't know what to do now. I'm thinking Dylan's issues are more than just irresponsibility and laziness. What if he has REAL learning issues - - I think we need to get him tested, but I don't know where to start. Slingerland testing is done by Gateway, which is currently located where Rilke is moving. ASD should have methods and resources, but I don't want anyone to jump to labeling him something worse than he actually is.... does that make sense? ADD & ADHD is thrown around too much, in my opinion. I totally agree that it exists... but I think it's used to label too many kids who aren't really.

So, I still feel like crying. And I need to lay this all at my Lord's feet and rest in Him. but that is so hard. See, it's not just failing my son. I'm failing my husband too. I always have. I'm not a good housewife (actually, I suck!), I've got this stupid woman problem that the attempted 'fix' is making a new symptom that just sucks, and for the most part, I just feel like pulling away. I don't know why, but I want to withdraw from his need to be close.

And I'm feeling a failure at work. I have so much work -- everyone does at my office. but I'm not actually getting anything to "completeness" in my part-time hours. And now I feel like I need to have more time & energy for my boys and J, but work drains me - the fact I feel so un-accomplished drains me. I don't even like what I'm doing anymore. I don't take any joy or satisfaction from it.

So, I did open the Bible before spilling all this onto the screen. First, I prayed -- prayed for God's Word to show me what I needed to hear, for the Holy Spirit to help me understand and REALLY see what it was saying to me, and for Jesus to just hold me and carry me through all this.

My first random opening: Psalm 134
¹ Praise the LORD, all you servants of the LORD
who minister by night in the house of the LORD.

² Lift up your hands in the sanctuary
and praise the LORD.

³ May the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth,
bless you from Zion.

So I did. I praised God. My God is a BIG God. (from Facing the Giants) And I do praise Him for all I have, for all He does for me, for my salvation in Christ.


My second random opening was not so random, since I had a bible study/devotion still stuck in my Bible: Joel 2:12-13
¹² "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."

¹³ Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

And my last random opening: Mark 8:1-21
(Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand)
¹During those days another large crowd gathered. Since they had nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ²"I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. ³If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance."

⁴His disciples answered, "But where in this remote place can anyone get enough bread to feed them?"

⁵"How many loaves do you have?" Jesus asked.
"Seven," they replied.

⁶He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. When he had taken the seven loaves and given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples to set before the people, and they did so. ⁷They had a few small fish as well; he gave thanks for them also and told the disciples to distribute them. ⁸The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. ⁹About four thousand men were present. And having sent them away, ¹⁰he got into the boat with his disciples and went to the region of Dalmanutha.

¹¹The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. ¹²He sighed deeply and said, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it." ¹³Then he left them, got back into the boat and crossed to the other side.

The Yeast of the Pharisees and Herod

¹⁴The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for one loaf they had with them in the boat. ¹⁵"Be careful," Jesus warned them. "Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod."

¹⁶They discussed this with one another and said, "It is because we have no bread."

¹⁷Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? ¹⁸Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don't you remember? ¹⁹When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?"
"Twelve," they replied.

²⁰"And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?"
They answered, "Seven."

²¹He said to them, "Do you still not understand?"

I'm suppose to rend (or rip) my heart to the Lord, giving Him my brokenness and failures. And then I am to trust Him to provide. Not just provide, but provide in abundance.

That's what I take with me today. But if I can't control my crying, I may not even go to work.