From my previous post:

I did so many things and made so many choices in my young adult life, basically saying to God: "Look, it's OK if you want to give me up too, I'm giving you lots of reasons to leave me, and no reason to stay."

So I've spent my lunch hour today catching up on the blogs I've been following, and finding a couple new ones. But my mind keeps going back to a blogger that mentioned her thought's on her WOUNDS and quoted "Captivating" -- she's been reading too. I think she's even doing a group Bible study on it.

So I went back and re-read what I wrote the other morning (was it just yesterday??) to maybe write some more of my thoughts down -- to actually figure out some of my thoughts as I write... some of my thoughts are more feelings than cohesive thoughts to put into words. Not sure if anything new or enlightening will come of this short post...

I copied the one final thought I'd had from my last post -- because I wanted to take that thought and compare it to other, earlier memories in my life. Were there things I did, or behaviors I adopted as 'normal' or part of 'who I am', that said the same thing to everyone in my life? Particularly after the summer I turned 7? I just don't know right now -- but my mind is being taken back to times when my Stepdad inflicted his share of wounds. Not intentionally -- he is a good man, and was {still is} a good Stepdad.

One year, on a trip to visit my Stepdad's family in Massachusetts, his sister had just recently got her hair cut very short & cute. She had naturally curly hair when it was cut that short, and it was the cutest sophisticated hair cut on a young lady I'd seen in a long time. And I wanted my hair just like it. Everyone tried to talk me out of it, but I was adamant about wanting the same hair cut. So my Aunt Sara and my mom took me to Sara's stylist that week, and she cut my hair the same way... except my hair has to have some length for it's nature curl [wave] to be realized. Suffice it to say, it was not the same style on me and it was not as flattering. And I was disappointed, but tried to have a 'oh well, it will grow out' attitude.

I think my Stepdad laughed... I don't remember the exact sounds or words that were spoken when I walked back into my grandmother's house... but I remember the look. It was a "what happened to you?" and "I told you it wouldn't look good" look. It was a "you aren't lovely" look.

I took that as truth, and apparently kept it as truth much of my childhood and into my adulthood. In fact, I can admit now that I still carry it with me today. But I've put on a mask of "I don't care what others think of me -- I am who I am, take it or don't."

I know I have suffered other wounds throughout my [almost] 35 years... wounds that answered my heart's questions: "Am I lovely? am I captivating?" in ways contrary to what God's answer is, and what my heart should know is true. But if you hear something enough, it becomes truth. And it doesn't have to be words -- it can be actions taken against you, or reactions to you.

So the book guides women through several steps in prayer -- steps to turn from the messages we've received with our wounds, to release ourselves of their power, and to fully open up to God healing our hearts and living in His truth of the beauty He made us to be, to have... that we DO have. I read the prayers, but I have lots of acknowledging/turning/cleansing/forgiving/opening yet to do. I would like to have been reading this book with a small group woman's bible study. I feel like I don't surround myself with enough women friends, and I'm terribly about reaching out and staying connected to my sisters and mother.

I've got to end here... work beckons, and since I only have a couple more hours before a long 5 day "weekend", I better answer the call. Maybe I'll have some time to think through some of this over the weekend... although J & the boys will probably keep me busy (happily) the entire trip.

Thoughts on "Captivating" by John & Staci Eldredge

Briefly for now -- but I want to come back to this when I have [make] the time.

My earliest wound, that I can remember? Probably my Daddy telling me that "he had to let us girls go with Alan" - my soon to be stepdad. I was 7 that summer, and had always been Daddy's Little Girl. I knew I was loved and cherished by my Daddy (and my Mom, too), and everything was right in my world. Never even had a thought that there were issues between by parents, even -- at least they did that part right, huh? But my 7 yr old memory always has my Daddy telling me he was "letting me go" or in my mind "giving me away."

My message from that wound? "You aren't worth keeping"? Maybe. "You are easy to leave/give away"? Maybe that too. I'm sure I've shared with my Dad how my memory of that day (and the several days before we left) stayed with me -- and he has told me that was not how he remembered telling me what happened. But to be Daddy's Little Girl for 7 years, and then be told your Daddy was letting you go without a fight... it has given me insight into myself for some time now, but I had never thought about the "message" part I took with me -- that I still take with me in my life now.

My 'claiming' & 'reacting' to that message? I can think of several things. I found my one area I was gifted in -- academic -- became my "only" way to make others proud & happy with me. I was otherwise nothing special, or so I thought. I wasn't "pretty" or "thin" or part of the "in crowd" -- ever. But why? was it self-proclaimed because that is how I defined not worthy of being Daddy's Little Girl anymore?

Funny thing is, I've always thought that I didn't care how I looked, or more importantly what OTHERS thought of how I looked. It has actually been a point of pride for me -- I'm not as vain and materialistic as I could be -- I am who I am, and people take me as I am, or they can just not take me at all. And for the most part, people take me as I am. I don't wear the latest fashions or any makeup; I wear whatever style & color of shoes I happen to like, no matter the season, or how worn out they may be. But was all this one of my claiming & reacting to my early wound/message?

Here's my initial thoughts:
1) There's no point in trying to be 'pretty' or 'thin' or 'IN' -- I'm not... my Daddy basically told me so. Why bother trying to be something I'm not; something being "lovely" or "worthy of love."
2) Maybe my outward message to the world is: "It's OK if you don't love me, want me, desire me -- I'm not giving you any reasons to, anyway -- because there are none."

wow. Those are some thoughts I will need to chew on for a while, and then figure out what they really mean for me now -- where to I go from here?

One last thought: as I was reading the book and thinking about being "Daddy's Little Girl" that lost Daddy's love.... I've always been God's Little Girl -- and He has rescued me and fought for me so many times in my life (which I can look back & see, but didn't see at the time). Yet I did the same thing to Him -- I did so many things and made so many choices in my young adult life, basically saying to God: :"Look, it's OK if you want to give me up too, I'm giving you lots of reasons to leave me, and no reason to stay."

wow.

Feeling failure, trying to lay it at the cross

So I have needed a good cry since yesterday afternoon. As far as I can tell by looking at his grades on Zangle, he's failing 5th grade. And no one told us this was happening. His Math grade is a C -- the only one amidst all his academic grades (Health doesn't count, imo). I've cried some... but still feel like I have more crying to do.

I've failed my son. For 3 years, at least... but maybe longer. I've not been the advocate he needed. I haven't harassed his teachers or the principal enough to even KNOW that his grades were this bad. 2nd Qtr grades were bad -- he spent 6+ weeks of no privileges and all of his time at home was in his room working on homework or reading. Grades (& turning in of homework) improved as far as we were told by progress reports (at least on the Eng side of his subjects). 3rd Qtr comes around -- overall improvement, but not up to where he has been in the past. And now, 1 day away from the last day of school, and I find out he has mostly D's & F's on his final report card.

His teachers have failed him. and failed me. and let me fail him. I've emailed the teachers and principal. I've even emailed our Academic Policy Committee officers, because I don't want this to happen to someone else's child. And I don't know what to do now. I'm thinking Dylan's issues are more than just irresponsibility and laziness. What if he has REAL learning issues - - I think we need to get him tested, but I don't know where to start. Slingerland testing is done by Gateway, which is currently located where Rilke is moving. ASD should have methods and resources, but I don't want anyone to jump to labeling him something worse than he actually is.... does that make sense? ADD & ADHD is thrown around too much, in my opinion. I totally agree that it exists... but I think it's used to label too many kids who aren't really.

So, I still feel like crying. And I need to lay this all at my Lord's feet and rest in Him. but that is so hard. See, it's not just failing my son. I'm failing my husband too. I always have. I'm not a good housewife (actually, I suck!), I've got this stupid woman problem that the attempted 'fix' is making a new symptom that just sucks, and for the most part, I just feel like pulling away. I don't know why, but I want to withdraw from his need to be close.

And I'm feeling a failure at work. I have so much work -- everyone does at my office. but I'm not actually getting anything to "completeness" in my part-time hours. And now I feel like I need to have more time & energy for my boys and J, but work drains me - the fact I feel so un-accomplished drains me. I don't even like what I'm doing anymore. I don't take any joy or satisfaction from it.

So, I did open the Bible before spilling all this onto the screen. First, I prayed -- prayed for God's Word to show me what I needed to hear, for the Holy Spirit to help me understand and REALLY see what it was saying to me, and for Jesus to just hold me and carry me through all this.

My first random opening: Psalm 134
¹ Praise the LORD, all you servants of the LORD
who minister by night in the house of the LORD.

² Lift up your hands in the sanctuary
and praise the LORD.

³ May the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth,
bless you from Zion.

So I did. I praised God. My God is a BIG God. (from Facing the Giants) And I do praise Him for all I have, for all He does for me, for my salvation in Christ.


My second random opening was not so random, since I had a bible study/devotion still stuck in my Bible: Joel 2:12-13
¹² "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."

¹³ Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

And my last random opening: Mark 8:1-21
(Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand)
¹During those days another large crowd gathered. Since they had nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ²"I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. ³If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance."

⁴His disciples answered, "But where in this remote place can anyone get enough bread to feed them?"

⁵"How many loaves do you have?" Jesus asked.
"Seven," they replied.

⁶He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. When he had taken the seven loaves and given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples to set before the people, and they did so. ⁷They had a few small fish as well; he gave thanks for them also and told the disciples to distribute them. ⁸The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. ⁹About four thousand men were present. And having sent them away, ¹⁰he got into the boat with his disciples and went to the region of Dalmanutha.

¹¹The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. ¹²He sighed deeply and said, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it." ¹³Then he left them, got back into the boat and crossed to the other side.

The Yeast of the Pharisees and Herod

¹⁴The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for one loaf they had with them in the boat. ¹⁵"Be careful," Jesus warned them. "Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod."

¹⁶They discussed this with one another and said, "It is because we have no bread."

¹⁷Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? ¹⁸Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don't you remember? ¹⁹When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?"
"Twelve," they replied.

²⁰"And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?"
They answered, "Seven."

²¹He said to them, "Do you still not understand?"

I'm suppose to rend (or rip) my heart to the Lord, giving Him my brokenness and failures. And then I am to trust Him to provide. Not just provide, but provide in abundance.

That's what I take with me today. But if I can't control my crying, I may not even go to work.